When I was younger there was this Pat Conroy book that I absolutely loved. I think I was 11 when I first read it. It was called, “The Lords of Discipline”. It may seem like a bit of a grown up book for an 11 year old, but bear in mind I was in military boarding school at the time and we rarely ever got to watch TV, and video games were not something we owned. Books were it. So from a very early age, I read. I read a lot. So by the time I was 18 I was totally burned out on books. I was reading 600 page, for adults only, novels by 13, so somehow…well, my reading kinda fell to the wayside once college came around, and alcohol and weed and other good shit that helps you lose track.
I’ve never been one for discipline.
Not as a child, growing up in a boarding school run by nuns, nor as an older child in a military boarding school that ok’d caning, nor as a teenager going to school in Hong Kong where I was ruled by the iron fist of my Dad and the archaic rules of my Mum.
I was never really into sport, I was a member of the chess club instead. Never quite into team sports when forced into sport…what I enjoyed was shit you would never quite pick for a 5 foot tall Asian girl…I enjoyed javelin, no one ever signed up for that, so competition was never quite as hard as you think. I would do the hurdles too, for a short legged individual I could still quick step and jump, and at that age, its not like the competition was fierce, most people hate to jump, I loved it…but then my career was cut short when I misjudged a jump and landed foot on the hurdle, toppling it and getting a hairline fracture in my ankle. Damn, that shit took YEARS to feel right! What else? Shot put? I was pretty good at that too!
You see…these are all very solitary things. Oh sure, when you run a race, you are competing with others, but in the end, its not the same as doing a relay or some shit.
I was a member of the chess club at school too. I was never ever any good, I mean, not a genius or some shit, but I enjoyed doing it nonetheless.
I won a few awards for short story writing š that was another one of my passions.
What I am getting at here is that I was always this kid with not much of a focus on anything, not sporty, pretty solitary and really, I struggled with depression throughout my youth and well into adulthood too.
If you asked me what drove me in life, I wouldn’t be able to tell you…or maybe…maybe I would say something silly, like alcohol or drugs! But I honestly never thought I would live past 30.
I partied hard, I rarely went to the gym, I danced until 7am and sometimes longer…and really, I spent the rest of the time feeling pretty depressed and watching foreign language films or working at jobs that paid the bills.
It wasn’t until I hit 30 that I realized that there was this whole fucking life I hadn’t planned for because, you know, I was supposed to be dead by then!
So I went back to university, partly coz it seemed like a great way to do something for myself, mostly coz my parents offered to pay, something about my mother wanting to die knowing all her children were college graduates, and really…I just wanted to, for once, finish what I started. I had spent nearly 4 years in America when I was younger, going to university and messing around, but mostly messing around, and I never did graduate.
I think, and this is a discussion I have been having with J a lot lately.
I lacked discipline.
Discipline…for all my nun run education and my military educational environment…and FFS, the parents I got given! You would have thought that discipline was seeping out my pores, but it wasn’t.
But this thing, this…discipline…its what many of us lack, and we all think we don’t have it, as if its something intangible like “talent” or “athleticism”…but its not.
Discipline is like Will Power…like a muscle that you can exercise so it can get stronger.
You aren’t born with it…you learn to harness the power of it.
Am I disciplined now?
A little.
But I am far from the level of discipline that runs my husband.
The man will wake every morning and without fail, he will get on the TRX and just go. From the moment he wakes until the moment he sleeps, he is pretty disciplined about everything he does. Meticulous, methodical, organized, and pretty fucking cranky because of all that skill to stay focused on being right! Lol.
I know, I know, I may laugh, but there is something to be said for the unruly, the undisciplined, the disorganized and the fucking laid back, eh? *pat on the back*
But I am learning.
Almost by osmosis, if you will.
I am learning from him how to depend on myself more, how to be more solitary and enjoy my own company (or at least his, because for him, he seems to be satisfied with just me and the boys and the occasional meet up with his friends)…I am learning to be methodical about the structure of my days and to plan ahead for just about everything.
I know I go on and on about the exercise and the weightloss, but the lessons I learn when on this journey are tenfold. They translate over to every aspect of life.
You know how you hear people say, “Oh, me, I don’t weigh myself, I just eat right and don’t let that shit stress me out”
I always go, “Wow!”
Like, fucking hell man, I wish I could do that. But you know what? I weigh myself, and it doesn’t stress me out.
So I guess we all gotto do what works for us, right?
But why avoid a scale? Fear?
Why not conquer your fears?
I have a friend who was of this same sort of “Hey, I don’t step on the scales, I am happy” blahdiblah…
Then when we all started working out together and we decided to go all out and get the caliper tests and weigh ourselves…(something I had been doing anyway for a while by then) she was shocked that she weighed 80kgs.
She was shocked, is what I am getting at.
She was not happy-shocked, lets just put it that way.
In the comfort of avoidance of something, things had, in a way, gone out of control.
She’s now in a happier place, a lot fitter, a lot lighter, but she’s given up a lot of things like that extra cappucino and carbs at night…she ain’t so trigger happy on the sweet treats and things, and she’s not necessarily missing out. Not a drinker either, lucky for her, but yeah, you know? Why fear the scale? It could be your ally!
I did the Dexa Scan, not once, but twice…and from the first reading to the last…there was a very perceptible change in numbers and readings and measurements. I had dropped almost 4.5kgs of fat.
FAT!
I did the BioSig readings with JAB MMA, got around to tackling my nutrition (I would say, even with that, although there was great enthusiasm and initial effort, my lack of discipline would frustrate my trainer, Kat…and it certainly made me feel rather sheepish myself!) but even with those readings…I saw a clear trend of body fat going down.
You know when I started I was almost at 40% body fat?
40%!!!
I am now around 24%, which is finally in the “normal” range.
But I did all this over 9 months or so. The same number of months it takes to create a life.
I’d say I have done that…created a whole new life for myself.
I have always been undisciplined. I may do healthy for a week or two and then I go off the deep end and drink a bottle of wine along with stuffing my face full of noodles and dumplings.
It was part of what I loved about being good, being bad.
Thats the thing though, my whole life, being bad has been my main driver. I am not talking about owning a gun or dealing weed or killing someone…only one of which I have done…but you know, being bad as in the opposite of good. Doing the wrong thing vs doing the right thing. Because, lets face it, being right all the time is boring, right?
Thats what I always thought.
Boooooooring!
Must be boring to be right all the fucking time!
But doing the right thing and being right are two different things.
You can do the right thing and still be wrong.
At least thats what I think.
So for now, I am on a quest for finding that right thing to do.
I am trying many different paths, not all in conjunction, but one after another, in the search for what works for me.
Be it veganism, vegetarianism, full on animal eating madness, training at night, training in the morning, eating carbs at night, eating no carbs at all, testing body fat, testing blood sugar, testing ketones…testing, testing, 1-2-3!
I am never bored with it.
I am always making plans for what next.
Right now (vs a week ago!) I am on a quest to see if I can bring my blood sugar levels down to the low-normal range and to get my insulin levels under control.
I have no reason whatsoever to believe I am diabetic. BUT, I do have reason to believe I may be struggling with insulin resistance and I do have proof that I have had bouts of hypogylcemia ever since I started harder training and trying to bring my body weight down.
I have had serious bouts of dizziness, numbness, pins and needles in the extremeties, nausea, sleeplessness, irritation, anger management issues, lethargy…the lot…and many times its because of training (within 2 hours of training…the dizziness and the fear of passing out, followed by pins and needles, cold sweat, palpitations and puking). I know these are symptoms of hypoglycemia because the only other times it happens to me is when I am super hungover to the point of being alcohol poisoned.
How I know what alcohol poisoning feels like is not up for debate…all I can say is, I know.
So in this quest to get rid of this stubborn belly fat that keeps my BMI still in the “you need to worry about heart disease and diabetes” zone…I am on a very, very, very strict 8 week plan to bring my blood sugar levels down and to get my insulin response under control. So for the 8 weeks I do this, I am well aware, I am going to have to accept that my life is pretty much going to revolve around my husband who is recovering from knee surgery and needs me to do a lot for him, even if he doesn’t admit it! And I am going to be there more for my kids while I make the transition from one helper to another (I am finally firing my current helper and have already hired another, yes, I did take my own advise, I am happier for it, I did shit and get off the pot!), and my focus is also going to be on training at home (or at the gym down the road) while being super careful about my knee. My final focus point and by far not the main, I have to stress this, is what I eat. Since this is a plan for bringing blood sugar levels down, I can’t be out there stuffing my face with noodles or empty calories.
I am ensuring to get adequate protein, this has been my focus now for a few months, but its only now becoming vitally important as I make the shift to the Blood Sugar Diet. I am ensuring I am getting adequate nutritional supplementation for the dip in calories I am going to have to undertake for the 8 weeks. And I am planning for how I go about things after the 8 weeks (which will likely be a system of intermittent fasting each week while still staying on a very high nutrient density plan but with much more calories involved).
Discipline.
People think it involves a lot of “No”. No this, no that…no, everything fun, no everything bad…
But what they are afraid of is that its hard and they are not ready for the hard work.
Thing is…its not that hard.
People tell you it is. People want to assure you its ok to fail coz you are human. And I can assure you that you will fall from time to time, but as long as you always get back to it, with discipline, you will succeed.
And the longer you see yourself succeding, no matter how slowly, you will know you can do it.
People expect to see progress immediately. And they may see only a 500g drop on the scales after a few days and put it down to a good poop. But what they fail to realize is 500g is still “progress”. And progress is SOMETHING.
Doing nothing…THATS nothing.
Doing something…no matter how little, is not nothing.
Start small.
Start with NO carbs at night.
Start with eating your dinner before 8pm.
Start with walking up the stairs instead of taking the escalator.
Start with standing instead of sitting.
Start with water instead of latte.
Or start with no sugar in your latte.
Start with 3 minutes of breathing exercises a day (count in for 4, count out for 4)…
Start with simple body weight exercises at home 3 times a week before you work your way up.
Start with 10 mins, work your way up.
What people think is, 10 mins, why bother?
I’ll tell you why, its coz its better than nothing. And it will build muscle, and muscle will burn fat, and even when you stand you will burn more calories than when you sit.
When I was at university in my 30’s…I went from being 58kgs to being 49kgs…you know how I did it?
I just walked one train stop and hopped the train at the next town to head into central Tokyo. 20 mins. And I would get off the train one stop before my town and walk back. I would take the stairs. I would do 40 mins of hatha yoga (the easiest possible youtube video I could find, 10 mins of that shit was shivasana!)
Here – https://youtu.be/o3kA7G3hZbg
And then I got more confident and I bought some rinky dink 2kg weights from the local shop down the road, I started to look up “Pilates for arms” on youtube…and I did 10 minute sets.
That was it.
Soon I was doing 60 mins of “exercise” (read – rinky dink arm weights with youtube pilates videos that last 10 mins, and a 40 minute hatha yoga flow that involved 10 mins in dead man pose). And I lost all that weight.
I also started to avoid shit tonnes of ramen, udon, rice…I switched to fish and beans and stuff, no deep fried crap. I ate a lot of fruit and veg…A LOT. And I avoided processed food like the plague.
Now…let me say this…it wasn’t cheap eating like that. My fruit budget each week, on a student budget, was 10,000 yen! That is A LOT! But damn, Japanese fruits are fucking awesome! A 100 USD a week for fruit, why the hell not! š Plus I was teaching english to doctors, and I used to get paid 12,000 yen for an hour of lesson…so it was worth it, I would say!
Eating healthy doesn’t have to cost a lot.
And not all processed foods are created equal.
For example, the diet plan I am on has “OK’d” meal replacement shakes of “superior quality”. Why? Coz sometimes its hard to be a good enough cook and prep meals that are fully balanced and give you everything you need, macronutrient densitywise, without leaving you (a) out of pocket (b) starving still (c) really fucked off about how hard it is to do all the calculating!
So I choose a meal replacement plan that offers me a chance to plan just one meal and truly enjoy planning that. I am getting my whey protein from a grassfed, organic, NZ based source of dairy…and the ingredients agree with my gut and are good enough for me to not be crapping my pants right after (ugh, I have had that problem with many meal replacement shakes on the market – severe cramping, fear of any travel of any kind, lol!), the contents arent sugar heavy, and I find the flavors and the texture pretty pleasing to my palate.
Initially I started on these meal replacement shakes to lose that bit of weight that was left…but as with anything…I lacked the discipline to plan that one middle meal. I was just seeing that meal as being “meh, I can go out to eat, I can eat in, I can do whatever I like”…and that is not how you see the results you want in the timeframe you want.
Results come with discipline.
What I need is to be the master of my domaine, the king of my castle, the lord of discipline.
And you know how I mentioned its like a muscle.
Well, I am getting stronger at this. I am getting better at this. I am becoming more disciplined.
Its becoming easier.
That is the key…the longer you do it, the longer you try and fail and try some more and fail a little less and never, never, never give up trying…you will eventually learn that lesson of discipline.
These next 7.5 weeks are going to be my initiation into the world of discipline.
I had meant to start meditation this week but fuck that shit, its taken me all I can to just keep with the diet and watch the kids and help the husband.
BUT…I will do that next week!
I managed to get ONE session of 3 minute breathing exercise to relax in yesterday. ONE.
So thats a start.
I will do it again today, for sure.
I want to start training in a fasted state.
I did it a bit for a few days before I headed to London…and then I drank myself under the table, was hungover for 2 days (it gets harder as I age! Holy fuck!) and now I am back to training in the evening and just having to drag my ass there just to do it!
So next week (which starts tomorrow!) I will begin training in the mornings again.
See? Try, fail, try again, maybe fail a little less, keep trying and then success!
Never allow yourself to wallow in self depreciation and self pity.
Its a choice, Tony Robbins is right. We can all sit there and say we are failures, because, each of us, at one time or the other, have been failures.
Fuck, I fail ALL the time!
But unlike how I viewed myself in the past, I know now, failure is temporary.
Success is also temporary…but success can last a lot longer…and success feels a LOT better than failure.
So here’s to discipline.
Here’s to the “No’s”.
Here’s to more “Yes’s”.
And here’s to a restoration in faith that it is all doable, it is all manageable, it is all possible.
Discipline can be yours.
You can be the epitome of discipline…just start today š
Like me…
I start today! š
Me, Myself & I 