headspace

Finding 10 mins a day to just sit and meditate, you would think its easy! But its not as easy as you think.

I am on this kick to bring my blood sugar levels down or basically prevent/reverse any chances of getting type 2 diabetes.

My grandmother got diabetes when she was older.

My mother had issues with being pre-diabetic but then she got on the whole “careful eating and no mixed cocktails” plan, and she was able to stave that off…then she got some serious gut issue that basically had her lose a shit tonne of weight without much of a choice, coz she wasn’t able to eat, really, simple.

I don’t want to be in that position.

Preventative medicine seems to be more logical to me than waiting for that next big health scare.

I have seen (in a week) my weight drop from 56.4kgs to 55kgs and then I have pretty much stayed there while seeing my body fat percentage drop and my muscle mass increase.

The changes are very tiny, but measurements show I have lost 2 inches on my waist. So basically, something to be said about abdominal bloat and processed carbs.

Not like I ate a shitload of processed carbs, but I did eat carbs while I was in London…and I drank a LOT.

My blood sugar levels are very healthy actually, today I clocked in at 4.5mmol/l

I would like to see myself at the lower end of the “normal” range…

But yeah, this is all a matter of curiosity rather than actual knowledge backed science. I just find it interesting to play around with exercise, food, sleep (which I still struggle to get a hold of my sleep patterns and being able to have a stable night of decent sleep for a week straight, let alone two days! Fucking kids! Argh! My kingdom for a decent nights sleep!)

Sleep, man, its so important.

Stress, sleep…these things keep you hanging on to fat because they raise your cortisol levels if you are failing at them.

I managed to get an app to help with the meditation. And now I am stressed out because someone mentioned that the upgrade (to the next level of peace) is expensive! Lol. Free app, you hooked? Great, coz now the upgrade will cost you, like a druggie desperate for a fix of peace!

Dagnammit.

I have to learn to just fucking meditate on my own, fuck paying for an app to guide me.

But hey, we all have to start somewhere…and at this stage, my app was free, my peace of mind is better than the day before. Heck, its better than before I meditate.

So I am using these techniques, a huge change in how I eat, an up in resistance/strength training (I only really got back into it yesterday, so the progress has yet to be seen, but I hope to try to go 3-4 times this week!)…and well, drink more water, still no alcohol (and oddly not missing it)…no sugary shit, no processed foods, no nothing bad.

What are the Yes’s?

Yes, I am sleeping better than I usually do, I don’t wake to pee during the night, which was one of the issues I had before trying to get my insulin levels under control. The kids still wake us mid night, so that means sleep is disrupted, but hey, that shit cant be helped.

Yes, I am finally over being “hangry”. I was so fucking hungry/angry every day around 2-5pm that I was shouting at everyone, I didn’t want to go to the gym, I was having to walk away from the dining table so I wouldn’t lose my shit on the kids…

But after a week of that, its gone away, almost like when you are pregnant and you are SO fucking tired for 4 months and then suddenly, one day, like that, poof, you feel full of energy!

Thats what it felt like!

Day 08, poof, better. Loads of energy and so I went straight to the gym at around 3pm, and with no caution whatsoever, went into the longest, genuinely dedicated workout I have done since stopping with the rockstars over at JAB MMA.

I miss my girl group.

I really do.

I am a lone wolf out here…well, a lone wolf with a lone wolf!

My husband is a lone wolf.

The guy is happy to just look out for me and the kids…

I kinda need a pack…or a herd…or someone to fucking scratch my back and groom me for lice! Who knows, I need that social “thing”. And the gym, JAB, it gave me that fix. On so many levels.

My best friend, Keya, she is still training there…and I kinda feel this tinge of envy…like, fuck, I am missing out. I am not just missing out on the training, which was something that not only boosted my daily mood and endorphin levels, it made me stronger and it made me feel more confident…and well…it gave me this 3 times a week chance to connect with this awesome human being who means a lot to me.

So yeah, now I sit at home a lot, I get stressed out, I do some work while panicking about the future, and then I get angry in the evening and try to find a way to get the fuck out the house before I cry or shout or both.

There was a blog post from some nutrition/training site the other day about how we all want to be that woman that has their shit together, who is doing so much and just rocking it.

I was like…dude…I am so not ever going to get there.

I do mediocre, best.

Sure, I like to cook and I get it right a lot of the time, but on the days I am getting it right, the cooking, its pretty much the only thing I have been able to do!

On the days I get the jewellery selling right, its the thing that consumed my whole day!

On the days I get the parenting right…I cry…coz I still feel useless.

Kids, they never stop needing you…well, they will, one day…when they need someone else, and then you will wish you hadn’t been so hasty for them to not need you…but yeah…they are so small and want for so much, and their needs, when not met, are like these huge mountains out of molehills that you just want to level for them coz then it would make your life so much easier.

The kisses in the morning, the cuddles, the “shall we wake up?” the “two minutes”…the pretend reading of the cereal box before eating…the smiles, the laughs, the tiny hands, the soft skin, the belly rubs and the giggles when they let a fart out…

Sigh…

You really have to soak those moments in, like they will just wisp away into the ether…coz they will.

The wailing, the whining, the insisting on mixing Yakult with water and ice in the cup they use for gargling after teeth brushing…the then pouring that all over the bed….that shit just has to take a back seat.

The standing there, back against the door, while you shit, after you have been pretty constipated from excess protein and not enough carbs…talking to you in that 4 year old way, even giving you advise on how maybe all you need to do is just “Lean forward, Mama, my poo always fall out”…like yeah…just enjoy it while it lasts.

You think you enjoy them so much when they are infants and they are all googely eyes at you, watching your every smile and hearing your every coo…but nah. When they start to talk, the whole world opens up and life becomes so much richer.

They don’t always say what you want to hear, but damn…they say some cool shit.

I keep thinking about maybe going back and getting my old job back. As if that would make me feel more productive.

Like yeah, 40 year old has been, looking for job in finance, and then I am like…what the fuck am I thinking?

I will just end up shouting at all the imbeciles there.

Like fuck! Asshole! Where did you learn your manners???

Ha.

I used to be one of those assholes. Like, if you can’t beat em, join em. Donut eating competitions, chili eating competitions, coke bag holder, asleep under a desk, why the hell not!

Nah, I can’t do that shit again.

Not because I don’t want the money, I fucking do.

But no amount of money they could pay me could compensate me for the impact that life would have on my family and on my marriage.

No amount of money is worth that.

There are some nice guys there…but there are also a LOT of douchebags. And the douchebags alone make for a very stressful workplace. Its like a douchebag-off, like everyone has to be a bigger douchebag or you get no respect.

Dog eat dog.

And most are dogs…really.

No offense to folks in finance, like I said, not all of them are like that…

But…I lived in that pit.

So as I try to get my brain in the game of finding that zen…I have started back at the painting…the watercolor painting.

I will get more into the heavy weight lifting, being mindful of my knee, but yeah, J said, “how much more can you do to it now?” and I think the same…yeah, what the fuck. Surgery has been shifted forward to the 12th August. So we will come back from Japan in time to check me in, get cut up, then my mother is gonna fly in to look after me for 2 weeks or more, if I can convince her to 🙂

I love my mother.

I do.

I wouldn’t say its been an easy road, but I appreciate this woman more than ever now.

Maybe coz I know how hard it is to be a good mother.

I feel a lot more forgiving and generous towards her, she did so damn much for us, and she probably struggled with anger and depression in a time when there was no help for that.

And my Dad, bless him, was no help.

I love my Dad too, for all his weird ways, he is the kindest, most generous, most unfailingly happy man I know. Almost in that oblivious sort of way. He is everything I hope my sons to be, in spirit, not quite the boozing and the crazy talk, but you know, the heart of a man, he is a good man…for all his faults…he works hard, he cares about his family, he cares about his fellow man…he cares!

Yes, man, thats my Dad.

The man cares so much and he never runs out of fucks to give!

He gives a fuck about everyone and he tries to help everyone.

Wow, thats a lot to come out of me in one day.

Must be the meditation, its doing its job!

I am supposed to find things to be grateful for each day (not from the meditation app, just from the blood sugar diet suggestions, lol) and this shit is just flowing out of me without a thought.

Ah well, I best get moving, I have an appointment to get my laptop software updated at the Apple Store, something about a genius in house! Damn El Capitan wont update!

You be good until the next time.