Assimilation & Accomodation

http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/liver_tumor_center/treatments/surgery_remove_tumor.html

So its been a bit of a mind fuck these last few weeks.

This last week has had my son Sasha trying to beat a viral infection where I knew, or was convinced I knew, that his fever would break on Day 05. I knew this because I had the same thing only days before his began, the overlap of us both having high fevers was about a day or two. Micah had the same damn thing only the week before, so I knew 5 days was the magic number. Problem is with Micah I took him to the hospital and they gave me antibiotics for him. For me, I ended up getting a horrendous case of bacterial infection too, acute tonsillitis, so I got given antibiotics as well. So when it came to Sasha’s turn, knowing that just a few weeks prior he had been on a week of antibiotics for his ear infection, I was hesitant to get him stuck into more antibiotics if it was just a viral infection and not a bacterial one. With Micah there was the chesty cough, Sasha had no such thing. So I waited it out, feeling like a terrible parent, constantly doubting myself as if I were some fucking Jehovah’s witness denying my son the most basic access to modern medicine.

Nurofen and Panadol…over and over…and for that 5 day period he survived solely on coconut water, apple juice and the occasional half of a home made crepe with maple syrup, nothing else.

Little man looked yellow, panda eyed and scrawny as hell, but we made it through to today.

His appetite has yet to return, but he’s been much more cheerful and I am hoping by tomorrow he will be able to make it to school along with Micah.

Of course, all this shit was happening while I myself have been waiting on appointments to find out more about my liver.

You remember how I went to Thailand for that full medical check up at a 5 star hospital out there?

Well, they found evidence of calcification in my liver and some unidentified mass of some kind, they recommended I see a Hepatologist when I get back to Hong Kong, so that was the first thing I did. It was not easy finding a liver doctor, apparently no one knows one. Maybe, I joked, anyone who did know a liver doctor had never lived to recommend one!

So I finally went to my insurance covered health care clinic to see a GP, then they were meant to refer me to a Hepatologist, but then the nurses behind the counter were like “Oh, the Hepatologist we have here in the clinic is not “approved” or on the panel”…so not on the panel means not covered by my insurance.

I am like…ok, well, can you tell me who is?

“Ah, maybe you can find out?”

Where the fuck do you expect me to do that???

Search the fucking internet for “panel doctors for a specific insurance that covers only the most basic crap and the crappiest doctors”???

Coz then my husband contacted the company, asked for them to let us know a list of doctors that are on their approved panel.

Then you know what its like “Chan Kwok Herbert, Pang Yin Thomas, Wing Pui Yi Joyce” who fucking cares, I have no idea which Tom, Dick or Harry I am even looking at and whether or not they are any good. Any facebook message boards you could even think to pop a question on will just draw a blank.

So I contacted the first one to be able to offer me a prompt consult that also happened to be located in Central.

Et voila, welcome, worst doctor on the planet, into my diagnostic life.

This dickhead offered me a choice at the very first appt – CT Scan or MRI.

I was like, “Er, which one is better, or which one would you suggest I do?”

“Your choice, CT Scan or MRI!”

I was like, well, I just had 2 chest x-rays and 2 mammograms…can I really handle any MORE radiation?

“Should be fine”

So I settled on the CT Scan because that was one I could do immediately (had to be within 10 days of last menstrual period, I was well within that window) but also coz he said that it was half the price of an MRI and he was wondering if my insurance would even approve an MRI. That was his input…nice.

I went for my CT Scan on the week after this initial meeting, then I was told to come for the results a week after that…so you can imagine, the time frame of all this was a bit of a dragging on and on number.

I go into his office to hear what the results are…and this dickhead reads me the report from the CT Scan place, underlines some big fucking words, and then says, “OK?”

And I am just kinda in shock, like…so what do I do now?

And he says, your choices are “Surgeon or MRI”

And I am (once again) well, what would you recommend?

“Your choice! Surgeon or MRI!”

Well, why would I have to see a surgeon?

“So you want to go for an MRI instead?”

Well, no, I dont know, I am just wondering what a surgeon would be necessary for? And what would he need to do?

“You can find out when you see him”

Like…motherfucking shit for brains…aren’t you the damn Hepatologist??? What is his purpose in life? If he doesn’t do surgeries, if he doesn’t operate the MRI or the CT scan or even for that matter, take your fucking temperature, what the fuck does he do???

What in the world is the whole point of “specialist” as a title if he can’t even explain to me what it is I fucking have????

I walked away from his office angry as fuck.

And that evening, on skype, chatting with my husband first and then my mother, I just laid it all bare. Like what. The. Fuck.

So I swore, no more idiots, I can’t go back to that tool and have him give me an appointment for another week from now at an insurance approved MRI center only to wait another week before going to that same fuckwit to have him read out, verbatim, whats written on the damn report without explaining jack shit.

I booked an appointment at The Adventist Hospital for my tonsils, which happened about this time, and when I went in for that, I talked to the GP, lovely guy! Who explained (in laymans terms) what my report meant, and he made an appointment for me for the Hepatobiliary Surgeon for a few days after. He also booked my appointment for an MRI, telling me, “You may not need it, the surgeon will determine if you do or not, and if he says no need, we can always cancel it”

Sweet.

So that was today.

I went to see the surgeon…a youngish guy, I say young because I am now old. The man must be 36 or something, and I am looking at him like he’s 20! Anything younger than me is now officially YOUNG! And actually his name IS young…or Yong…I am not sure…anyway, they said it like it was “Dr. Young”.

He explained the CT scan results to me in more scientific terms but he drew a diagram, pointed out what granulomas are (I have a few), explained what the hepatobiliary system is, where the left lobe is and the right lobe. What lesions are (I have two or so) and what they mean. And then he told me I would go into the MRI and what exactly it would tell me about my liver that the CT Scan gave me just a glimpse of.

He answered my questions about what would happen next and why.

So the long and the short of it is this…I have granulomas…a few, in a linear pattern, and its in segment 6 of my liver. Apparently I also have some sort of lesion on segment 7. I had no idea where these various sections of liver were but now I found that Johns Hopkins link (posted right at the top) and I am like, oh, yeah…that shit looks about right.

He said that granulomas that form at the entrance of the hepatobiliary system (like where the liver and gallbladder are attached and such) are easy to deal with because then they can do an endoscopy and scrape that shit out somehow, like when you have to scrape arteries in a heart or something.

But granulomas that form within the liver are not easy to reach by conventional means. So its important for them to establish the exact location of the granulomas. If its just scattered at random around the liver, there isn’t much they can do except have me come back in 6 months for another scan to see if they have grown or whatever, and well, keep an eye on it to know if its benign or cancerous.

If they form in a duct, thats when its an issue and they will have to remove that chunk of liver, as in, cut that shit right out.

Simple enough, right?

Then he went on to point to his little diagram.

If its the left lobe, its a simple surgery, you could cut that off and then maybe even be out of the hospital the next day! (I find that crazy to comprehend being I highly doubt its a simply keyhole surgery, I mean, the liver can weigh up to 3lbs, thats gotto be at least a 3rd of the liver, you gotto still yank that shit out your side!) Annnnnyway…point is, apparently this one is the easier of the two surgeries.

The right lobe of the liver needing lopping off is a bit more of a deal and would involve shit that affects overall health and possibly the function of other organs as well. Everything I have read up about it shows that removing the right lobe would mean they remove my gall bladder as well. And although he assured me that the gallbladder is completely useless and only exists to hang on to spare bile the liver produces, I am like, mmmmmmmmmm…..ok.

Now the bummer for me is this, my granulomas are on the right lobe of the liver, very specifically in that quadrant that is right above the gallbladder.

The lesions, we don’t know what they are, but today the MRI we did was to determine exactly whether or not these lesions are tumors. They did this using a contrast. I had to fast beforehand because of this. And then after this contrast, I was given another contrast, also through the same tap into my vein, and this was the one I opted for, a contrast that cost an additional USD600 (the staff called it “the expensive one”) because it will tell me if the tumor (assuming that is what it is) is cancerous or not.

So basically, this was my day today.

Signing off a hefty credit card bill at the hospital after getting the best care I have had in my life, seriously, I have no complaints whatsoever. Even the MRI nurses and technicians were very patient, kind and generous with their time, answering questions and asking questions. World class care. Even the Jesus mural on the wall of the hospital entrance felt comforting to me vs in need of a serious side eye!

I was laughing to Keya, like, maybe thats why I have been talking about how I miss the idea of fellowship and community that religious people have, its been the subliminal messages this hospital and my visiting it has brought on!

Don’t you worry, cancer or no cancer, I am not suddenly gonna go all godsquad to make myself feel better. This is what it is. And whatever it is, I will find out on Friday.

I know how people say, “Its probably nothing” or “You’ll be fine!” or “Stop thinking too much”

or

“I’ll pray for you”

Yep, my Mum. Bless her. I feel bad for telling her because now she’ll be freaking out, praying like there is no tomorrow, and she has hypertension to contend with. Like…selfish me, telling her this when I don’t even know the outcome myself. But I need to get this off my chest man, otherwise I am just sitting in a vacuum of white noise, nothing is registering, none of it will matter until Friday.

But then I could be doing something simple…like driving or replying to a client or worrying about my helper finding another job…and I think, what does any of this matter? None of it matters. Why do I bother with this work? What will it matter if I get sick and fucking die?

What is most important?

My kids…spending time with them. Spending time with them where I am not angry because they are interrupting my attempt to work. Spending time with them and seeing the true meaning and the true joy of being a mother without wishing I was somewhere else doing something else that was purely for me.

This time, its all we have. What is the point of working and working and doing so at the expense of a life you could live.

Of course, its not as easy as that.

But there has to be a way to find a good work-life balance. Or…maybe there is no balance, maybe we are all doing everything at the expense of other things. And maybe, for me, I have to learn to put my kids first. I got this tip from some christian TV personalities who do this show about fixing up homes in Waco Texas.

I know, I know, it makes me sound like I am going off the deep end and shit, but I think…none of the shit I worry about, deserves me worrying about it.

I am so fortunate that the life I have lived so far, I have no regrets. Oh sure I dated some chumps, even married a few, but despite heartbreak and mayhem, I came out of it unscathed, stronger even, I married the love of my life, that has to amount to something. I have three beautiful sons. I may not always be kind or loving or patient with them, but make no mistake, I love them dearly. Maybe sometimes I have selfishly wanted more of my life to myself, but I don’t think that desire came from a place of maliciousness or greed. I could be a kinder person. I could be kinder with my words. I could learn to be more generous with people who drive me batshit crazy, I am thinking specifically of my helper who I am letting go. I feel guilty now that I have been very short tempered.

My friend Jie tells me the temper, the horrible anger, its a problem with liver issues. She said its normal.

Well, I am not normally an angry person. I don’t usually have a terrible temper, but I have to say, this last 6 months or more…its gotten worse, more uncontrollable. Like, I shout. I shout at the helper, I shout at the kids…and now I see my kids are shouting at me, shouting at each other. Its not a good thing. Then I shout to tell them to stop shouting! Lol.

So today I did what I could to try to calm myself. I spent some money on health products. There was some pop up shop right outside the hospital in the parking lot! (Nice!! Reamed me off my last bit of cash!) And so I bought some organic honey with the lady assured me was “great for liver” without really knowing I had just come out of an MRI to determine what the fuck was up with my liver! Then I bought a honey vinegar…also awesome for the liver….then an organic chinese mushroom cup-a-soup (!) more liver shit.

I returned home…driving…listening to crowded house…There’s a hole in the river where my auntie lies. From the land of the living to the air and sky. Left her car by the river, left her shoes beside. Through the thorns and the bushes I hope she was, Dreamin’ of glory, miles above, The mountains and plains, free at last.

I don’t think it mattered what I listened to, all I could think of was, fuck, wonder what tunes would be good to play at my funeral! Its so morbid, but I would hope they play some crowded house…and then maybe Massive Attack…teardrop…meh, I had a much clearer playlist in my head when I was driving, I can’t really remember it now. Joni Mitchell, Both Sides Now…or whatever the name of that song is!

Anyway, worst comes to worst they will just chop off a chunk of my liver, it will regrow (everyone seems to reassure me, everyone but the surgeon has said this) but the best case scenario is that they don’t have to do anything, that the granulomas are not in the duct, that I am all hunky dory and can keep on trucking without much of a care as to how this will end badly because it won’t.

But yeah…the positive thinking and the prayers…I understand its more for the person saying it than it is for me. I get it. I get that my helper needs to pray for me because thats what she thinks will ward off the bad and herald in the good. Same for my Mum. In my mind I am thinking, “I am aging. This is my body slowly heading towards the inevitable. I am not 20 anymore.” Slowly but surely, inevitably, we will all grow old and die.

I just hope to high hell its not any time soon! Lol.

I took the kids to sushi after my spending spree at the hospital. Its been forever since I have taken them.

I was supposed to be fasting but I said fuck it (again, this irrational pendulum of feeling ok one minute and then behaving as if its my last supper with them!) and we did sushi together. Then I bought them cupcakes and we came home, headed over to the neighbors house to share the three cupcakes we bought, cutting them into smaller and smaller pieces so their 3 kids and the other neighbors 1 kid could all partake in the cupcake taste test.

Fuck it.

Cupcakes on a Tuesday? Who said we can’t do that!

I even bought myself a new lipstick and some eye shadow while we were at the mall, you know, what better way to feel better? Pshhh.

So until Friday, I intend on keeping busy.

I set up a lunch date tomorrow, a cooking class date Thursday…and then Friday will be upon me like a bad hangover.

I even made it to the gym today.

Worked hard, did some serious lifting and ab work.

Might as well, you never know, after Friday it might be all yoga and zen shit. Lol.

The thing is, if all is ok, do I just go back to my life as it was?

*shrug* it seems so bizarre, I would almost be guilty to have worried this much and to get away with it unscathed!

I would seriously have to figure out how to do more than a liver cleanse! Lol.

Anyway…that is all there is to my latest update.

Its not bad, its nothing to be concerned about, it just is. And we will know more Friday, for sure.

And then I will know if I need to cry or if I can go out dancing and have a spliff.