Dear Mum,
I want you to know that you have been a good mother. If I was a child who was bitter and angry, it was because I was sad and scared. I am no longer scared. I want you to know that no matter how my life went off the beaten path, that was my choice and not yours. I want you to know that everything I have managed to overcome, you have had a hand in. I want you to know that all that I understand about motherhood, I now realize that I learned from you.
You have been the guiding light in my life, even when I wished so desperately to choose the dark. You bore the burden of parenthood, for the most part, all alone, and I want to reach back into that corner of the past and hug the woman you once were, struggling to keep it all together while also doing everything to project an aura of strength. I know now that you didn’t always feel strong. You sometimes struggled to get through a day but you did because you had to. I know how hard it was to see us waste food in our lunchbox when you’d woken up so early to prep it for us to take to school. I know how sometimes all you wanted to do was put your feet up and not have to cook dinner, but back then we didn’t have the option to order out. I know now because I am the you I now remember.
I am you in as many ways as I am not you. I grew up always fearful I would become you, but now I know, I am not you…there is only one you, and I am no longer afraid to become someone like you, because to me I know how strong you are. I know how much you have grown. I see how much you have explored and accomplished in your life and I want to be just like you. I want you to be as proud of me as I am of you, Mum. I am so proud of you. I am so proud of the incredible force of nature you have always been. I am so proud of you for doing everything you could, everything in your power, to make sure your children succeeded in life. Any rebellion on our part was simply us discovering our boundaries, and trust me, with or without your knowledge, we tested every boundary we could before we came back to where we knew it was safe, with our families and to your wise and patient counsel.
You have always been pragmatic, you have shown us patience and kindness…and you have taught me about boundaries and how to respect myself enough to not put up with ill treatment. I know you may not know this, but you have taught me not to put up with people who don’t respect my time, my presence or my counsel. What others have looked at as cold, I have seen as wise. What others have looked at as anger, I have seen as the underlying hurt. What others have seen as solitude, I have seen as solace. You have taught me about the pleasure of finding solace in solitude. I understand you now, my beautiful Mother, and I see you.
I want you to know how grateful I am for all the lessons you have taught me in life, and how best to navigate the path with courage and tenacity. In so many ways, its you that has shown me that even at mid-life, my life is only just beginning. My future is wide open for me to be anyone and do anything I choose to put my mind to. I hope you know how incredible you have been in teaching me courage, through tough love but also by being an example. You left your home to move to a completely foreign land with strange smells, sights and sounds…from Japan to India, back in the 70’s! That took courage. I know you will laugh and say something like, “or stupidity!” but no, it took courage, Mum…you made a life almost out of thin air. You gave all three of us life, and forever, you will be our creator.
I am sorry that Maya is not here anymore. I will not wallow in the sorrow of everything that is lost. I will continue to live my life with the mindful awareness of everything that can be learned and the personal growth that still remains to be uncovered, like a treasure waiting for me somewhere buried in my future.
You have helped me through so much, supported me in all my dreams, guided me even when I didn’t need a helping hand, and it took a willingness to suffer hurt of my unwillingness to be grateful. I am grateful, Mum, and I want you to know how grateful I am. I am grateful for all your patience as I struggled to find my way in life. I am grateful for how you never gave up on me. I am grateful for you encouraging me when I was winning and consoling me when I lost. I am grateful for all the times you went above and beyond so that I could have friends, as awkward and willful as I was in my schooldays. I am grateful for you teaching me about needs and wants, even though at the time I didn’t want to understand the need for frugality, I am grateful for the lessons I now have learned thanks to you.
Thank you for all those times you dragged us to church on Sundays with the promise of McDonalds after, it made church bearable. Thank you for overcoming my betrayal when I attempted suicide when I was a teen. Depression is such a monster, I still battle that monster daily, but I am grateful to be alive to do so. I know now that you understand that monster too, in many ways, we are as similar as we are different, and I love you all the more because I see you in myself, in my words and deeds, I see you in myself.
Thank you for forgiving me for all the unkind things I said to you in the years that led up to me becoming a mother. I think, if anything, that rite of passage, having Jakob so early in life, it was what changed everything for you and me. I was able to ultimately understand, to finally see, what you meant when you said, “You will know one day when you have your own kids…” and here I am, with three kids, just like you, and I fear every day for the job I am doing in shaping their lives. I blame myself constantly for everything they get wrong. I worry about them getting hurt in life, physically and emotionally. I know now, all I can do is be that safe place for them to return to, no matter what. If they know they will always have a home to return to, they will go out there, they will find their boundaries, they will test them, and they will learn to be courageous and independent.
I have you to thank for everything I have learned. No one can truly say, “I am self-made” because that would be a lie. I have become who I am because you brought me into this world. I have become who I am because you taught me some of the most important lessons to learn. I have become who I am because you are my mother. I have become who I am because I always know I can count on you. I am so grateful to have you as my mother. I just want you to read my acknowledgement of who you are to me, to be fully present to my gratitude, in your lifetime so I never leave anything unsaid.
My life is good, Mum. Its all turned out good so far and I know it will continue to be good going forward. I have a phenomenal husband, three amazing kids, my relationship with my parents has blossomed into one I would never have imagined myself being blessed with. I am the fortunate one. Thank you for being my Mum.
I love you.
Lis
Me, Myself & I 