I have been giving too many fucks about too many things.
I find myself stressing about every little thing that in the macro sense really doesn’t matter. Yes, there is superficial drama, yes, there are people I dislike just because I find them morally bankrupt, yes, I would like to focus on things that actually matter, like my health, my family, my friends…and to stop stressing about every little thing that doesn’t matter.
I did a quick search on how to stop giving a fuck, and an article popped up, and in it, laid bare, was the obviousness of how I have been going about life the wrong way and how I can change that quite easily.
Number 1 – stop seeking approval from others – now this, this is easier said than done. I grew up with trauma that warped my sense of self so badly that without someone telling me “this isn’t completely shit” I myself do not believe it is anything but shit! I grew up seeking approval for everything…and I find myself still doing this. Seeking approval from my husband, from my parents, from my brother, from my kids…from everyone but me. I think this is purely a ME thing but clearly, its a human thing…we only need approval from ourselves, apparently! No one else is going to live our lives for us…so taking actions that most align with our purpose, that is all that matters.
Number 2 – Focus on your strengths – forget your weaknesses – again…fuck me if this wasn’t something I find really hard. All the progress I have made in life, all the good I have done, all the lessons I have learned, its never good enough. Somewhere within me is this crippling fear that I am not a good person, that I don’t deserve good things happening in my life, that I am on a swift rollercoaster to fuckupville…why? Because I was always told I was a fuck up. Sometimes I worry I do this to my kids, but that is my anxious inner self that is criticizing me and telling me I am a shit parent on top of being a shit person. I keep trying to unfuck my mind but its a work in progress, not a place that just gets fixed…its a house that requires a lot of maintenance.
Number 3 – Know yourself. Own yourself. Be yourself. – “Not everyone has to like you or care what you have to say. Shut down the inner critic that says you’re not good enough and forget about trying to fit in. The only thing that’s holding you back from greatness is you.” Case in point…this is what was given as advice…and its essentially what I have been struggling with. I feel like when I am at work, because I work with my brother and for my brother…I lose myself…I get lost in the triggered trauma, the unfiltered trauma dumping, the parentification, the fuckin mess…and I lose my center. I find myself consumed by this loss of self. Something needs to change…somethings got to give.
Number 4 – Be grateful – yeah, maybe I need to meditate on that. I oscillate between being angry at myself for not being grateful and also knowing myself and wishing everything was different from what it is. Maybe I need to be grateful that I even have a choice…a choice to be myself and to be free.
Number 5 – Understand what is most important to you and stop focusing on everything else. Once I can get clear on why all the small shit doesn’t matter I will be able to have some distance between what is and how many fucks I have to give for it. I need to really make this differentiation and make that fast, or I am going to drown in my anxiety.
Me, Myself & I 